Enough

Not true, that´s the fact. Not a lie. No more lies. Lies hold me back, yet they push me forward. They give me the impression that I can make up for the life I have not lived. I know I will not change on the inside until I change on the outside. Yet I am not sure I can ever be happy with myself. For moments I can, at certain actions. But ultimately I am not satisfied. Maybe God chose to make me that way. Maybe I was meant to be sacrificed for some greater good. Everywhere I live is temporary because I cannot stop moving. I get comfortable too easy because I see the obstacles which lie before me. I do not really possess the initiative to confront them all at once. I try to break them apart but some cannot be broken. Some obstacles must be faced all at once. Yet I feel like I make such obstacles bigger than they truly are. I empower them...This self indulgent drivel is beginning to annoy me. I am simply regurgitating the same crap over and over again. Let me write about something else now, something greater than me and my crappy self issues.

I am beginning to see a world through hate. I don´t know why. Contempt seems to be added to my list of filters. I find myself paranoid, if even for a second, about things which I truly know cannot be. Yet I claim to love the world, I occasionally even act on such claims. It´s as if I am trying to look good for karma so that she does something for me later on. Yet I am a good person, I feel it so I must be. But the world´s hidden rules have gotten the best of me. It´s almost like I feel that I am stuck in some second tier trying to prove that I belong in the first. But even in the first tier I would not be happy. I would want to take over it as well. I live as if I´ve been promised something grand and am waiting for it to be delivered. In the meantime I live this temporary life. But I don´t truly live it. I feel like I can´t. I will close my eyes and imagine this better place. I´ll try to determine if even there I would be happy.